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Background: |
The world
was a pretty boring place until December 17, 2013, when Van took over like he
always said he would. Of course, some drastic changes had to be made. To get
the population under control, a few people suddenly, mysteriously died for
unknown reasons. Entirely by coincidence, the first ones to go were the ones
who laughed at Van when he said he would take over the world. Shortly
thereafter, he outlawed such silly things as war, poverty and telephones. Since
then, the world has become a place of unparalleled prosperity and beauty
(though some detractors argue that it's more beautiful because Van kills off
all the non-pretty people, but nobody has heard from those detractors in a
long, long time). Since all people are now cloned from sources of Van's
choosing at the vast cloning facilities in coastal Quark (formerly called
Australia), natural births are unheard of. Though some have argued that Van is
simply using the world as one huge pimpin' playground, people who raise that
point suddenly disapp |
|
Map references: |
located
equidistant from all four map corners (after unfolding); roughly where the
white map border ends and the pretty blue color begins |
|
Area: |
total: 510.072 million sq km
land: 148.94
million sq km
water: 361.132 million sq km
note: 70.6% of
the world's surface is water, 29.0% is land, and 0.4% is this milky sludge that
is neither land nor sea, yet oddly enough, has astounding intrinsic value |
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Area - comparative: |
it's pretty
big, but we do our best to make it feel like our cozy little home |
|
Land boundaries: |
we prefer
not to call them "boundaries," but rather "guidelines" that a wise person might
decide not to cross for his or her own good |
|
Coastline: |
356,000 km,
but it's receding just a little more every day |
|
Maritime claims: |
all times
are merry, especially when we're claiming something. |
|
Climate: |
ranging from
"pretty damn cold" at the two poles to "hotter'n a Texas cowgirl in heat"
towards the middle |
|
Terrain: |
It has its
highs and has its lows but, in the end, it's all good. That's how life is,
man. |
|
Elevation extremes: |
lowest
point: There's this pit they started digging shortly after Van took over
and.... well, I don't know man.... he takes people there..... and they never
come back....
highest point: The Goodwin Monument |
|
Natural resources: |
innovation,
hard work and cheery smiles |
|
Land use: |
vacation
resorts: 10%
penal colonies: 10%
vast cloning
facilities: 26%
land dedicated to false gods: 32%
other: 22% (2013 est.) |
|
Irrigated land: |
2,714,320
sq km in general, but it really depends on how much water pressure is being
used by the presidential fountains at any given time |
|
Natural hazards: |
a bunch of
irate Parisians pissed off because.... well.... they're Parisian; a bunch
of irate Middle-Eastern people pissed off because those bushy beards get hot
and itchy out there; a bunch of irate New Zealanders pissed off because
they get Americans asking them all the time, "Oh, are you from Australia?" upon
hearing their accents; a bunch of irate Indians pissed off because "the
curry isn't quite as hot as it was before this New World Order thing"; a bunch
of irate Americans pissed off because the song "God Bless the USA" no longer
has any meaning; a bunch of irate Italians pissed because the world was
taken over while they were having a relaxing dinner, and they didn't even
realize it until the 17th course |
|
Environment - current
issues: |
Thanks to
Van's development of "new ecology," we now realize that we were just not
embracing smog and acid rain as we should have. Now, with flourishing
industrial sectors without the hinderance of silly environmental laws, we can
now enjoy this new, beautiful part of Earth's ecosystem. |
|
Geography - note: |
in spite of
the sweeping environmental improvements, we still haven't gotten rid of that
thin layer of green slime on swamp rocks. And if you've ever been 'gator
huntin', you know what a mess of trouble that green slime can get you in. |
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Population: |
1,000,000,000 (December 2013 est.) |
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Age structure: |
18-25
years: 95% (male 475,000,000; female 475,000,000)
other: 5%
(mostly just to remind us why we generally kill people off once they hit
26) |
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Population growth rate: |
0.0% (2013
est.) |
|
Birth rate: |
5
births/1,000 population (2013 est.) |
|
Death rate: |
5
deaths/1,000 population (2013 est.) |
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Sex ratio: |
999,999,999
sexual partners for every 1 Van |
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Infant mortality rate: |
Not many,
since we only kill off the really ugly ones |
|
Life expectancy at birth: |
total
population: 25 years
female: 25 years
male: 25
years |
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Total fertility rate: |
2 children
born/woman (2013 est.) |
|
HIV/AIDS - adult prevalence
rate: |
0% (Van
personally educates everybody on condom usage) |
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HIV/AIDS - people living with
HIV/AIDS: |
0% |
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HIV/AIDS - deaths: |
0% |
|
Religions: |
Church
of Van: 100%
Other: Dead |
|
Languages: |
American,
100% |
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Literacy: |
definition: age 18-25 can read and write
total population: 2%
(who needs most of these people to read? might just encourage them to not
follow orders if you ask me!) |
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Administrative divisions: |
32,768 (one
for each presidential palace) |
|
Legal system: |
pulling from
one of two terms—"Excellent," or "Bogus"—the fate of every defendant
is determined |
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Economy - overview: |
Growth in
global output for the world jumped 5,737% within days of the establishment of
Positronia. Because of the new economic models that Van put in place,
overall productivity, efficiency, and quality of life for all citizens improved
almost immediately. After the planet-wide adoption of the new accounting
system known as "fuzzy math", profits for all companies skyrocketed and
per-capita income for all citizens reached all-time highs. |
|
GDP: |
GWP (gross
world product)—purchasing power parity—$876 septillion (2013 est.)
|
|
GDP - real growth rate: |
6,781% (2013
est.) |
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GDP - per capita: |
purchasing
power parity—$8,286,600 (2013 est.) |
|
GDP - composition by
sector: |
fuzzy
dice: 0.2%
pepto-bismol: 1.2%
government monuments:
3.3%
other: 95.3%
"xxx for Dummies" books: 0.0% |
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Household income or consumption by
percentage share: |
Is it really
all that important to compare? I mean, who cares what your neighbor makes? As
long as you're happy, why let jealousy get in the way of strong
communities? |
|
Inflation rate (consumer
prices): |
0% |
|
Labor force: |
999,999,999
(the one person not working is currently classified, but take a wild
guess) |
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Labor force - by
occupation: |
let's just
call them "sensual massage specialists" 90%; people to sit around and look cool
9.3%; government workers and maintenance .7% (2013) |
|
Unemployment rate: |
0% (People
found doing nothing are placed in the sit-around-look-cool category if they
look cool. Otherwise, they are shot) |
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Industries: |
While a
single service industry makes up roughly 90% of the workforce, the remaining
10% is very diverse. If you don't count the 9.3% of the population who
make a living by, "sitting around.... looking cool." |
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Industrial production growth
rate: |
3,781% (2013
est.) |
|
Electricity - production by
source: |
gerbils
on wheels: 3.2%
"the force": 2.1%
nuclear fusion:
88.7%
pepto-bismol: 6.0% |
|
Exports: |
$6.3
trillion f.o.b. (2001 est.) |
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Exports - commodities: |
peace on
Earth, good will towards men |
|
Exports - partners: |
Partners?
We're all partners in one big, happy family. And nobody wants to leave the
family. Nobody. |
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Imports: |
That
depends. What would you like to give us? Maybe we can make a deal. Everybody
wants to deal with the family. Everybody. |
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Imports - commodities: |
how about if
we just "import" you, baby |
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Imports - partners: |
see
above |
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Debt - external: |
We're
self-made and don't owe society nothing! Nothin', I tell you! |
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Economic aid - recipient: |
Why,
looking for a sugar daddy? |
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Telephones - main lines in
use: |
0 (outlawed
in 2013 because "that whole ringing thing was a stupid idea in the first
place") |
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Telephones - mobile
cellular: |
in
homes: 1,000,000,000
in restaurants: 0 |
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Telephone system: |
everybody
has cute little headsets so that they can walk around on their phones and look
like they are Banana Republic sales people |
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Radio broadcast stations: |
0 |
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Radios: |
Lots, but
doesn't do much good any more, now does it? |
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Television broadcast
stations: |
7 (each one
dedicated to a different flavor of Star Trek at all times) |
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Televisions: |
52,835,518,932,553,920,519,434 (2013 est.) |
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Internet Service Providers
(ISPs): |
48,526,839
(and not a one is AOL) |
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Internet users: |
1,000,000,000 |
|
Railways: |
total: 1,115,205 km
really cool coal ones with "toot toot"
sounds: 257,481 km
slightly less cool diesel ones: 671,413 km
lame-ass electric pieces of crap: 186,311 km |
|
Highways: |
0 km
(outlawed in 2013 to finally force the automobile industry to adopt hovercar
technology once and for all, using "Back to the Future II" as a model) |
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Waterways: |
The
waterways are everywhere, all at once, both at the start and at the
destination. Thus, when one steps into a waterway, isn't one already at the
destination? Think about it. |
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Merchant Marine: |
Oh, we got
Marines alright. Helloooooo sailor! |
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Airports: |
0! Who needs
airports when you can have spaceports! Our spaceports just happen to exist on
the ground. And our "spaceships" just happen to never leave the
atmosphere. |
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Military expenditures - dollar
figure: |
$7,916,392,816,291.95, plus tax (2013 estimate) |
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Military expenditures - percent of
GDP: |
Geez, I
dunno, you do the math. We get paid to blow things up, not add numbers! |
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Military branches: |
Department
of Mass-Destruction, Department of Plundering, Department of Pillaging,
Department of Cool Lasers That Make Sound Even in the Vacuum of Space
(DCLTMSEVS), Department of Fashionable Combat Gear |
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