Weird Things about Van

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Below you will find tons of weird stuff about me. Don't believe it? It's all true, I promise! If you've noticed any other weird things about me, please contact me so I can add them.

1. No matter how well I know you, I will eventually forget your name. I may remember every other tiny detail about you except your name. One day, we'll just be sitting to eat lunch or dinner, and I'll look across the table at you and suddenly get a look of terror in my eyes as I realize I can't remember your name, and at any second I may need to know it.
2. I once convinced a woman to make her son's middle name the same name as an actor I liked. But I didn't let her know that's why I suggested the name.
3. My average body temperature is 99.4.  As a result, I keep room temperatures at 60^oF when I don't have to pay the electric bill.
4. In spite of the above trait, I once opted to live in a non-air-conditioned dorm so that I wouldn't have to mix with the frat crowd.  This is in southern Louisiana, mind you.  It's hot.  Very hot.  And humid.  And muggy.  Except for the 3 hours of winter every year.
5. I don't sleep. Well, I do, sometimes. But I'm known to stay up for 36 hours at a time, completely at random.
6. Somehow, genetics has given me pitch black hair with the whitest white skin.  That white skin does not tan or burn easily.  And on the several occasions when it has burned (which has, at all times, taken at least 5 hours of direct sunlight on the water with no sunscreen), it goes back to its pure white color within 36 hours.
7. My incisors are so sharp that I often accidentally cut myself.  While my tongue has gotten pretty trained to stay out of the way, but my inner lips aren't always so lucky.  While I have inadvertently mutilated hundreds of pens in this manner, none have busted on me to date.  Once, back in high school, when my parents left me home alone for a week, I once had to use them to draw blood from some guy who tried to take beer from our refrigerator. He didn't try again. Ha!
8. When I was little, I wanted to grow up to be like Commandant LeSard from Police Academy movies.  I went so far as to write an essay about him in elementary school when we were assigned to write about who we admired most.  Unfortunately, I no longer have that essay to post.
9. At one time, I had my mind set on building the longest paper clip chain in the world.  In fact, I went so far as to build a five-meter prototype chain which I used to test how I would transport the finished product (I finally decided on extension cord rollers).  The finished chain was planned to be 3.7 kilometers (2.3 miles) long, and would cost a grand total of $230 US dollars, not including time and rollers.  I still have the smaller prototype.
10. Until I was 17, I never spit out toothpaste.  I always swallowed it.
11. No cavities!
12. I have a birthmark..... nowhere! That's right, I have no birthmarks! Isn't that weird? But if I did have one, I'd like it to be in the shape of Ronald Reagan's hair.
13. When not carefully regulating my speech, I speak at twice the average English rate.  As a result, most people in the South think I'm not from around here.
14. I'm told that I emanate a fruity sweet smell, especially when I first start sweating a little.  Pheromones???  I hope it's not offensive.  I can smell it sometimes, too, and I think it smells good.  But who knows what other people think?
15. My instrument of choice:  Kazoo.
16. Whenever I hear people talk about quantum physics, I smell black walnuts.  This is probably because when I was little, I read A Brief History of Time beneath a black walnut tree in my front yard.
17. The color yellow scares me.
18. Yet I chose to buy a yellow car.
19. I've hated body hair ever since I ever got it. As most boys were happy to receive their first sprouts, I've always just thought it looked and felt dirty. Eventually I came to shave it all off.
20. I have an antique computer collection which occupies 182 sq. meters of space.
21. As I sit and write this: "I don't think there's anything abnormal about you."  — James, as he hits himself with a psychotic cackle
22. Much like Captain Sisko's baseball, I've kept an impact grenade on my desk to calm me.  It's supposedly a dud, but I toss it up and down just for cheap thrills.
23. Roaches terrify me, while snakes and spiders are my friends.
24. During High School, I could never understand math problems in class.  However, I had no problem at all writing computer programs which did my homework for me.  Even after writing the program which came out with correct answers, I still couldn't do the problems by hand.
25. I like to eat fruit that's so ripe it's squishy.  In fact, the way I eat plums is to slice cuts in their skin with my incisors, and then suck the plum out through the cut.

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Copyright © Van Goodwin, 1999-2005.  Steal my shit and die, bastard.
Last updated on 2005-01-29 at 15:02 GMT