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Buy Me
Stuff!!! |
You are here : Redstroke > About Van > Wish List
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| Some people say you can't buy
love. I say that's a big fat lie! I'm for sale to the highest bidder, baby. And
prices for every budget are listed below! OK, that's a lie. I love
presents, but they're not what's really important in life. However, you can
learn a lot about a person by what they want as gifts, so read on. |
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First, ask yourself this question: Do you want to (a) help a poor
family feed themselves and educate their children, or (b) buy me more crap that
will end up in a landfill one day. If your answer is the former, keep reading.
If you like the latter better, skip the following section and go down.
Charity
Why don't you just donate to some of the following charities and let
me know that you did it :
- Funds which help feed the hungry and shelter the homeless. Duh.
- The arts. But use your best judgment. Establish
institutions (i.e., the Smithsonian, Louvre) are safe, but I'll just get pissed
if you donate to some guy making poetry in the snow with his own
excrement.
- Stay away from political and environmental causes. The vast
majority of them are bullshit.
All of these let you donate with a credit card :
Gifts for Yours Truly
Of
course, if you just HAVE to get me something, then I guess I'll let you. But
just this once. Remember, my birthday is December 17th!
Auxiliary Wish Lists :
- Amazon
- Buy used books whenever you can. Not only are they cheaper, they have more
character.
- ThinkGeek -
Some of this stuff is sexy, I don't care what any of you say!
Wealth and Assets :
- Cash, preferably the kind picturing lesser known presidents.
- Stocks and government bonds are
also acceptable. I also accept willed portfolios, and promise to speak
glowingly at your funeral.
- Real estate
investments are also OK, but I'd really prefer a more liquid form so I don't
have to deal with so many liability issues. Nobody ever tripped and pretended
to break their neck on a security.
Daily Pleasures :
- Martini. Ice cold. Dirty.
- Sex. First check to see if I want it from you specifically,
though. Terms negotiable.
- Candles. To be safe, go with unscented. But if you insist, maybe
vanilla or a musk. Nothing that smells like a flower or berry.
- Steak. Medium rare.
Nonmaterial :
- Write me your life story in 10,000 words or less. I like learning
about people.
- Draw me a picture like
Mavis did. What, don't think you can
compete with that? Maybe you should reconsider donating to a charity.
- Write me a poem like Dann or
Tommy did. It doesn't have to be about
me. Just write one and dedicate it to me, or something like that. If it's good,
I'll probably hang it on my wall. If it sucks, I'll thank you anyway, and I
promise not to laugh.
Clothing and Accessories :
- Gift card to
Banana
Republic.Or
Express
Men. Or, if you want to put a lot of money on a single gift card, give it
all to
Nordstrom.
Or just issue me a fashion
citation. What's that you mutter under your breath? Flaming what? Shut the
hell up.
- If you just want to do it all online, you could buy a gift card to
Overstock.com!
- One of these. I already
have one of these. Hey, they're
accessories! Technically.
Copyright © Van Goodwin, 2003-2004
Last updated 2004-12-04 at 23:44 GMT
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